Cause and Effect

Sometimes it's hard to tease out what might be contributing to the causes of my depression and what is just a manifestation of symptoms of my depression.

I remember hearing a man speak years ago at a church women's group function. I can't even remember what the topic was exactly, but he was talking a little bit about his experience as a counselor in the military (also unclear is how exactly he was even qualified to act in the capacity as a mental health professional since he did not appear to have any sort of real background in the field - I guess military is weird that way, they just train you "on the job." I really don't know). But anyway, he started to say something about how he never met with any depressed individual who was not also self-centered and selfish. And I think he was trying to make the point that this was a cause of their depression and that if maybe we strive to get outside of ourselves and think of others more than we can kind of stave off depression. Hmph.

But my blood began to boil and I couldn't help but think that this guy understood absolutely nothing about depression or what a depressed person goes through. It could be just me, but it is my understanding that being a little self-consumed is a symptom of depression. It is a sign that things are not going well. Sometimes the troops have to call out "retreat!" just to be able to survive. It is certainly difficult to get out and serve others when you can't even get out of bed. It is hard not to feel (or appear) a little selfish when you can't accomplish a fraction of what a "normal" person could. When you are just trying to do whatever it takes to get through the day. When all of your strength and resources are consumed in taking breath after breath and trying not to crumble and collapse.

Can anyone who hasn't been there ever really understand what it's like?

I have since often gone through some other cycles of thought, trying to figure out cause and effect, which things are causes and which are symptoms.

Such as:

Am I depressed because my house is a mess, or is my house a mess because I am depressed?

Am I depressed because I am overweight, or overweight because I'm depressed?

Do I deal with depression because my family was dysfunctional, or was my family dysfunctional because we all had depression?

Am I depressed because I have crazy disobedient children, or are my children crazy and disobedient because I have depression?

The same thing happens when people try to give suggestions on how to feel better. If only you exercised, or sat in the sun, or did this that or the other. And sometimes I think, well, yes. If I weren't depressed, all of those things would be simple to do and I probably would feel better for doing them consistently. But because of my depression, sometimes doing anything is too difficult. It's a weird whirlpool cycle. Chicken or the egg. Which came first, a biological depression, or lifestyle that led to it?? Sometimes I decide that it really doesn't matter what caused it. I just have to deal with what it is. And my cognitive behaviorist therapist that I saw for awhile would probably agree with that. But then other times, I would like to know how it all started, and when and why. I'd like to go back through it all and figure it out. Because maybe knowing the cause and effect would be helpful in figuring out how to fix it. Maybe understanding it would help me heal.

Trichotillomania

So, one of the problems I've struggled with through my life is this lovely word: Trichotillomania. I hadn't heard of it until my younger sister's college roommate had it and told her about it and then she told me about it. And I looked it up online (this was about 6 years ago) and discovered I had it. It's a kind of anxiety-driven impulse to pull out or pluck hairs. I started pulling out my eyelashes in high school, sometimes to the point of having half my eyelid bald. It's been mostly when I've been under a lot of stress. It's not pretty. And it's awkward to explain to people why I'm missing eyelashes (can I just tell a little lie and say that I have a disease that makes them fall out?). Or I guess I could just tell a part-truth and say I have a disease. Because it is. I just happen to do the pulling out myself. I've sometimes also pulled out armhairs and other places. It actually feels good in a way. It feels like a relief. So it's hard to control. I've read that these antidepressants sometimes help with it - and sometimes don't.

It is also sometimes accompanied by other self-destructive behaviors such as skin picking and cutting. I struggle with those things from time to time as well. I've ripped and torn the skin completely off my heel, leaving it raw and pick at my cuticles, etc. And I had a couple cutting incidents when I was a teenager and into college. Although I've had the impulse to do it again in recent years in dark moments, I no longer have the resolve to actually carry it through (or can't find things to do it with, which is a good thing). Anyway - I used to be embarassed by the scars on my arm. Now they've faded to a point that no one would notice. But I look back and know I had a deeper problem than I probably realized at the time. And I wonder what my life would have been like back then had I actually gotten treatment. How would I have been different? Would I have made different choices? It's painful in a way to try to imagine. It's what makes me realize treatment will make a difference for my future.