Sometimes it's hard to tease out what might be contributing to the causes of my depression and what is just a manifestation of symptoms of my depression.
I remember hearing a man speak years ago at a church women's group function. I can't even remember what the topic was exactly, but he was talking a little bit about his experience as a counselor in the military (also unclear is how exactly he was even qualified to act in the capacity as a mental health professional since he did not appear to have any sort of real background in the field - I guess military is weird that way, they just train you "on the job." I really don't know). But anyway, he started to say something about how he never met with any depressed individual who was not also self-centered and selfish. And I think he was trying to make the point that this was a cause of their depression and that if maybe we strive to get outside of ourselves and think of others more than we can kind of stave off depression. Hmph.
But my blood began to boil and I couldn't help but think that this guy understood absolutely nothing about depression or what a depressed person goes through. It could be just me, but it is my understanding that being a little self-consumed is a symptom of depression. It is a sign that things are not going well. Sometimes the troops have to call out "retreat!" just to be able to survive. It is certainly difficult to get out and serve others when you can't even get out of bed. It is hard not to feel (or appear) a little selfish when you can't accomplish a fraction of what a "normal" person could. When you are just trying to do whatever it takes to get through the day. When all of your strength and resources are consumed in taking breath after breath and trying not to crumble and collapse.
Can anyone who hasn't been there ever really understand what it's like?
I have since often gone through some other cycles of thought, trying to figure out cause and effect, which things are causes and which are symptoms.
Such as:
Am I depressed because my house is a mess, or is my house a mess because I am depressed?
Am I depressed because I am overweight, or overweight because I'm depressed?
Do I deal with depression because my family was dysfunctional, or was my family dysfunctional because we all had depression?
Am I depressed because I have crazy disobedient children, or are my children crazy and disobedient because I have depression?
The same thing happens when people try to give suggestions on how to feel better. If only you exercised, or sat in the sun, or did this that or the other. And sometimes I think, well, yes. If I weren't depressed, all of those things would be simple to do and I probably would feel better for doing them consistently. But because of my depression, sometimes doing anything is too difficult. It's a weird whirlpool cycle. Chicken or the egg. Which came first, a biological depression, or lifestyle that led to it?? Sometimes I decide that it really doesn't matter what caused it. I just have to deal with what it is. And my cognitive behaviorist therapist that I saw for awhile would probably agree with that. But then other times, I would like to know how it all started, and when and why. I'd like to go back through it all and figure it out. Because maybe knowing the cause and effect would be helpful in figuring out how to fix it. Maybe understanding it would help me heal.
A Beginning and an End
2 years ago
1 comment:
Hi deepblue,
You and I are on the same wavelength today (and many days). People like the man saying depression is a self-centredness make me want to strangle them. There are very few people who can "get" what it is liketo be depressed.
Even in the subgroup of depressed people the people who are mildly to moderately epressed may have a difficult time understanding what it is like to be severely depressed.
I know that is true because I used to have moderate depression and I really could not comprehend how anyone could be more depressed than I felt. Then came this last 6.5 years of nightmarish depression and my whole attitude began to change.
I disagree with "your wandering mind in some ways. I do think that depression CAN be your inner self telling you to take a different path, but not always. Sometimes it just happens.
I also disagree in terms of medication. I do nopt see them as a "temporary fix". I see them as an important part of my treatment. They are not the end all/be all, but I know from experience they can dramatically change my ability to do the things I need to do to help myself.
When I find the right med combo it will be a lifelong thing for me. I am not prepared to risk another MDE if this one goes away. For me, that is an all too familiar pattern.
I hope you are able to keep doing what you are doing, and trying to become well, and work through things as best you can. The days you cannot do anything, I hope you are able to sit back and give yourself a break. You try as hard as you can and are on the right track. Good luck.
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