worry about me

At church this Sunday, a friend of mine said hi as we were walking our kids to their classes. And she casually remarked that everyone was "worried about me." She said she told them she has "seen me worse" and so she thinks I am "doing ok." And I replied something along the lines of "it's all relative, I guess."

So I was talking to my husband about it later, because first, I can't decide if people should be "worried about me" or not. And then, second, I was sort of bothered that she didn't seem worried because I'm not doing as bad as I have been in the past. And I wonder if anyone would really ever know how I'm really doing.

This isn't a friend I talk to very often. We keep in touch through our "family blogs", we go to church together and live in the same neighborhood, we go to a bookclub group together. But it's not like we chat on a regular basis. Really, there is no one who would ever know how I'm really doing. And it bothers me that no one would ever know.

But anyway, my husband didn't think there was any point to having anyone "worry about me" because it's just something I deal with ongoing and there is nothing anyone can do to help. It's not going to be fixed or cured. It's not going to go away. So what good would being worried be?

But somewhere in my mind, being worried is equated with caring. And I want to feel like someone cares. I would like someone to know how I am feeling so I am not so alone. True, there is nothing anyone can do. But sometimes, I just want someone to know. And sometimes I am worried about myself. Sometimes I think they should be worried! They should know that I can't handle more stress sometimes. That I have to resist urges to hurt myself sometimes. That sometimes all I can do is get through the day.

I don't really know why I want someone to know.
I just feel like no one really understands. And no one really wants to know. They wouldn't know what to do and they hate feeling powerless and useless. They want to "help." And there is nothing they can do.
But sometimes, just telling someone helps. Being heard helps. Being understood helps. And being cared about helps.
Sometimes that's all I need.

what the pharmacist said . . .

I called the pharmacist to find out about possible food interactions with the St. John's Wort. From what he found, in whatever information they have access to, he said that it is "theoretically possible" if taken in "large amounts", that the St. John's Wort could cause hypertension when combined with foods such as cheese and other foods containing Tyramine. But he didn't think that taking a normal recommended dose would cause any potentially dangerous interactions. And there is no actual tested "proof" from scientific studies that this would actually be the case anyway. It is just a theory.

So this is one problem I have with taking herbal supplements, just in general. There are many unknowns. It is not as well studied. They don't even know for sure by what mechanism it even works (specifically for St. John's Wort). Dosing isn't regulated. So, I have mixed feelings about taking it.

It's been about a week now and I have actually been feeling a little better. And no noticable side effects. Since my mood seems to fluctuate quite a bit over time (mostly on the negative side. I can't say I ever get mood "highs" really) - but I would need to stay on it for a longer period of time before I would say with confidence that it's really helping for me.

So - that's where I am today.

St. John's Wort: Take 2

Well, in desperation, I've decided to start taking the St. John's Wort again, since I already have an opened bottle. The bottle I have of Nature's Way Herbal supplement says to take 2 capsules, 350 mg each, twice a day. But it doesn't give a percentage of active ingredient, so I don't know. I also don't know how regulated this particular brand is.

Anyway - I decided that rather than doing nothing, at least I could try something. Again. I need to go back to my doctor. And sometimes I think about trying to find a counselor again. But finding babysitters and the stress of it all oftentimes persuades me not to. I know that's probably not a very good excuse. And $$$$.

In the brief research I did this morning (google search), I thought it was interesting that some research says that St. John's Wort acts as an SSRI and some say it acts as an MOA-inhibitor. Wouldn't it be important to know which is right? One site even recommended avoiding foods like cheese, wine, yeast, etc. that you are supposed to avoid when taking MOAI's. Yikes!

Because

I don't want to write
because I don't want to think
because I don't want to know
because I don't want to feel

Because then if I feel
then I have to see
and I have to care
and I have to be

And I don't want to write
because I don't want to be
- like this -
anymore.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
- Deepblue
[Do Not Copy - Thanks]

is it just me?

Last night at my bookclub, a saying was brought up that I have heard before. It goes something like this:
that you wouldn't worry so much about what other people think of you, if you realized how little they really do think of you.

And the thought seems to be for most people that this is a bit of a relief. That most people are so much involved in their own life and their own problems, that they don't have time to even think of other people, much less think ill of them, in their daily life.

But I find this thought depressing. Really? No one ever thinks of someone else? No one ever has the time to think of me? No one cares what I say or not say? That's supposed to make me feel better? And maybe I'm just more judgmental than the average person, but I think I do think of other people and wonder what their motives are and what they are thinking. We can't just live in a bubble can we? And go on our merry way and pretend like no one is listening or watching or caring or thinking? Is that what we want?

It just makes me feel very alone. And I will still wonder what people might think of me. Whether they are actually thinking of me at all - or not.

Mood Meter

I'm trying to come up with my own mood scales, to keep track of how I'm feeling for a little while. Because I know when I'm feeling bad, it feels like I have always felt that bad and will never feel good again. And when I'm feeling good, I think, well, maybe it wasn't that bad. So I need a more objective way to determine how severe my symptoms are right now and what to do about them.
Here are some of my ideas for my personal moods:

Depression Scale:
1 - feeling sucked dry, can barely move, empty, sad, wanting to curl away in a hole
2- discouraged, frustrated, sad,
3 - blah, getting by, uninspired
4 - things are going well
5 - happy, happy, oh so happy

Agitation/Anxiety Scale
1- panic attacks, dizzy, light-headed spells, shaky
2 - ready to explode, thinking of self-harm, going nuts
3 - feeling stressed and overwhelmed, on edge, nervous
4 - feeling pretty much in control and doing well
5 - calm, cool and collected

I might add some more later.
And, for starters, I would say today I'm at between a 3 and 4 for depression and 4 for anxiety (maybe I should reverse those numbers - does it seem backward?)

Walking the Tight-Rope

I've been feeling a little better. But I feel like I'm walking a tight-rope. I'm balancing, but barely. And it would be so easy to fall. One misstep. One slip. One slight wind to knock me off balance. And down I would go.

And I know how far it is to fall. I know how hard it is to get back up. I know what awaits at the bottom.

And it seems inevitable. I can only keep going for so long, before it becomes too much. I can't stand on such a thin line for so long. So precarious. So unsure.

I know it.
And my confidence is shaken every time I fall.