As I mentioned before, I had all of my family in town a couple weeks ago for my brother's wedding. 2 of my sisters and my dad came from 3 different states (ranging coast to coast). My brother and other sister and mom live in the same state as I do. So it's not often that we are all together. And it seems that it always turns into a rather stressful event.
After it was all said and done, my youngest sister, who lives here, emailed me and in exasperation asked why we can't have these get-togethers without all this stress and break-downs and problems.
Why, indeed.
I'd like to know.
I didn't know what to say, so I never replied to her question, but I have been mulling it over and trying to figure it out myself. Why does our family seem to be wrought with conflict, tension, and stress?? And do families actually exist where they get together like this without problems??
Here are some of the reasons I've come up with. I guess the true root of the problem could be any or all of these, or none. Who knows.
First, my parents argued a lot. They had some pretty significant and deep-seated religious differences which caused a lot of problems. My dad was unfaithful. And so on and so on. Until they finally divorced when I was 22. So we didn't really have very good role-models of healthy communication, conflict resolution, and all of that kind of stuff.
Second, we have a family history of mental illness. My uncle is schizophrenic. Both of my parents have been treated for depression. My mom's stems from childhood sexual abuse (although I think genetics played a role as well). And my dad's depression was a result of the divorce, primarily circumstantial. And, for whatever reason, my sister and I have both been treated for depression. I've also been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. And, although I don't know if any of my other siblings have ever been officially diagnosed, it seems clear to me that some of them could definitely benefit from treatment, as well.
Third, everyone who comes from out of state to visit seem to come with their own agenda of what they want to do while they are here. And it doesn't always correlate very well with what the other's want to do. And yet, there is an overriding feeling that we ought to do things together. But no one wants to compromise their own desires. And it creates conflict.
Fourth, for me personally, I feel a lot of pressure because my dad typically stays at my house, because I have more extra space. And can't afford a rental car. But we live about an hour away from the other family members. So I feel like I need to accomodate him and his desire to be with everyone else since he doesn't see them very often, but it ends up being a lot of driving for me, etc. Especially because I have young kids, who are not always very flexible in their schedules of eating, sleeping, etc.
Which leads to reason #5, which is that I am the only one of my siblings who has young kids. My sister has a 12 yr old (my oldest is 9) - but he doesn't always come along. This particular trip, I was the only one with kids. Period. Which makes me feel a little left out and misunderstood. No one can really understand the strain of trying to do a lot of activities with 4 young kids who has not been there themselves. They really just don't get it. So that is hard on me.
And then, number 6, there is pressure to get along since we aren't all together very often, which often backfires. And one sister keeps telling the rest not to worry and stress so much, even though she tends to be high-strung and stress everybody else out. I just try to be flexible and accomodating to the point where I snap and lose it. And we aren't as open as we could be about the depression issues - so I feel like I need to put on a better face for them all. And prove that I am a good mom - since I am the only one crazy enough to have 4 kids and be a stay at home mom. Or something.
Anyway - I don't know what it is. Maybe we just need to accept that it will be a crazy and stressful event to all get together. Maybe it's unavoidable. Maybe we need to not even try to get together and all do things together because we are all too different and have different priorities and agendas. Maybe we should give up. Or maybe we should try to work harder at building relationships at other times. In less stressful circumstances. Maybe we could all be a little more understanding and forgiving when someone flips out and loses it. Maybe a family of 5 kids and divorced parents can be nothing if not complicated.
I just wanted my own family to be different. I want my kids to like each other when they grow up. And to have fun together.
Is is possible? Do you think?
