Well, it's been a busy week. I had family in town for my brother's wedding. My dad stayed with me at my house. Then I had 2 sisters from across the country visiting and staying at different places. And I felt like I had to shuttle my dad to different places to visit different people and have fun things to do and be involved in all the goings-on. And with my 4 little kids, all the running around messed up naps and bedtimes and general order of our lives. So it was exhausting and stressful. The last day that my dad was here (this past Wed), I started losing it. Yelling at my kids, breaking down into tears. And I felt terrible about it. Usually I can keep things together in front of other people. Or at least I can try. But I just couldn't hold it together any longer. I felt embarrassed and ashamed that he would see what a terrible mother I am. I am often afraid of what my dad thinks anyhow. He does not offer much praise. He can be critical and judgmental and we have not always had the best relationship. And I just felt like such a failure to not be able to maintain any semblance of control with him still here.
And the rest of this week has not improved much. I am not doing very well.
So I have not been blogging.
Someone at the wedding asked me if I was pregnant. And I am not. It is taking me some time to get over it. I couldn't bring myself to wear the dress I had on again to church today. I am feeling even worse about my appearance and my weight. And some of my worst fears seem to be not very far from reality. I mean, really, would she have asked if I was pregnant if I did not look rather apparently pregnant??? Sobering, distressing, depressing thought. And then feeling depressed about it is not a very conducive frame of mind to actually do anything about it. I feel even less energetic and more sluggish and tired. And so we start on the slippery slope. And down we go. Again. And again.
I left the house today and went for a walk (without telling my husband or kids where I was going). That was a mistake. But I just had to get out. I was afraid I would hurt someone. And sometimes I can't decide if it would be more harmful to stay with my kids and yell and lose it (which they don't deserve) or to leave (even temporarily) and have them feel confused and abandoned and worried. I think they know that something is wrong. But I don't think they have any comprehension of what it could be.
Anyway - the thought occurred to me on this walk that I'm sure anyone would be offended by being asked if they are pregnant when they are not. It's not just me, is it? So maybe I shouldn't feel so bad for feeling bad about it.
I just wish there were something I could feel good about. Something I could hope for. Something I am succeeding at. Because every place I look, every facet of my life, every role I fill, every corner, feels like a failure. There is no hidden spot. No shadow or glimmer or spark. No speck.
And that's where I am tonight.
I'm hoping I get through tomorrow. And this next week. And then start again. And try again. And again and again.
A Beginning and an End
2 years ago
2 comments:
Hi deepblue,
No you are not the only person that would feel hurt by someone asking if they are pregnant Someone asked me that before (and I was pretty thin at the time)..why don't people get that you NEVER ask a woman if she's pregnant...it is a loser thing to do and totally inappropriate. I can look back now and see that the person who asked me that question was rude...it wasn't that I looked pregnant, it was that they were disrespectful of common manners and boundries.
I get how you were feeling overwhyelmed. I am about to have a houseful of neices for a week(4 of them between the ages of 5 and 10) and I am very concerned I will have the same difficulties you described in your post.
My pdoc and I have discussed these scenarios numerous times and for me, I know that I need at least 1.5 hrs of alone nd down time when I have guests or when I am a guste somewhere. I get overwhelmed by so much interaction. So my husband is going to have to babysit an hour or so everyday so I can rest. It really does help.
Take care,
...aqua
Deepblue--
I fully understand where you're coming from on this...it sounds like you've had a really stressful time and need to recover...and as Aqua said above, downtime is key. Time alone, time for yourself...I realize that with four young children that's probably asking a heck of a lot...I know how hard it was for me to get alone-time when mine were little. Carving out that time for you is really important, though. Is your husband willing to help? To take the kids for a little while a couple of times a week so you can just get out? My hubby used to come home early sometimes to give me a "mental health break", and once I was done with the whole nursing thing, he was always willing to let me go stay with my parents for a weekend break. I know that's not a solution that would work for everyone, but I found it was necessary for my stability for me to do that.
Also, I don't think it hurts the kids to know that you are human and that they can push you too far. I've yelled at mine plenty, and felt terrible for it, but they survived, and so did I.
And as for people asking if you are pregnant--that's just plain rude! Don't take it to heart, okay?
*hugs* to you!
--Jazz
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