Ready to Explode

and wondering why in the world anyone would want to read this??

feeling worthless, frustrated, irritated, hating my life, incompetant, ugly, fat, grumpy, hopeless, overwhelmed

did I forget anything?

zig won't be home for another 3 days (business trip)
my mom called and said she had been wondering why I was having such a hard time with him gone when my dad would go on trips all the time and it didn't make much difference to her. she said it must be because zig does more to help me around the house and with the kids.
my interpretation: he does more than his share and does a better job than me
yeah, thanks mom.

even though I don't think she meant anything by it. It just feels like I am the only woman/wife in the world who can't manage her house/kids alone. seems like most wives feel like men just get in the way, or don't do a good enough job. I feel like I could disappear from my life and everyone would be better off for it. I am not really needed here. I make things worse. Miserable. And I am so dependent on him to get through the days. How pathetic is that.

I look around my house and hate it. Hate the mess. Hate the example it sets for my kids. Hate that I am not the kind of mom I want to be. I am not the kind of person I want to be. I am not the kind of person I would want to be around. And that stinks.

And part of me wants someone to know I AM NOT DOING WELL. I want someone to know how I feel. I want to feel like someone cares. I guess that's why I write this blog. Even though it would be better if I knew someone here, in person, who actually would understand what I am going through. I guess this is better than nothing.

I wish I could change it all and be someone other than who I am. Crumple up and throw away this miserable me. Would I even know who I was without it? who would I be?

today's thoughts

Sorry it's been awhile. The kids started school this week so we have been busy getting them ready and getting into a new routine. I am stressed and overwhelmed, as usual. And I feel like things are just kind of flying by, my brain's not really absorbing all the things it should be, or something. Summer never felt like summer, and I gave up. Now, I'm finding it hard to accept that school-time is back again. I'm just spinning and spinning and not really "getting it."

I'm getting tired of reading some of the "mom blogs" that I usually love, because their lives appear too perfect and I can't do half what they do. And I am feeling friendless, and jealous of people that appear to have good friends that actually care about them. I dislike my blogs and dislike myself. Hate how I am afraid to take on too much. Too many times I have failed. I don't even know what I am capable of. I don't trust my own judgment. And if I take on too much burden, then I will be crushed by it before I am even able to remove some of the load.

My husband is going out of town this Fri. for a week. And I am in complete dread. How will I make it with him gone?? He helps me so much. Some days I am just counting minutes until he comes home, so I can get a small break. How will I get through each of these days he is gone? It sounds so pathetic, I know. I feel pathetic.

I've taken on an on-going church responsibility that really shouldn't be that hard to do, but I don't know if I can do it. And I don't even know how I would explain why I can't do a task so simple. No one would understand. So many times I have heard judgments such as, "if I can do this, than anyone can" and "everyone is busy" and "stop making excuses" etc. Not in reference to me, but just in reference to others who were unable to fulfill a commitment. And I cringe to think about it. I am supposed to be working with some other people I consider somewhat "friends" but now I am feeling like they are only contacting me about this job I have to do, and not because they would actually want to talk to me. I am self-conscious and insecure. And I don't want to fail them. I don't want them to know how hard this is for me. And I hate that!! But I don't honestly know if I can do it.

Our school expects 40 hrs of volunteer work per family/per year (it's a charter school) and I can't ever fulfill it which makes me feel guilty and stressed. The beginning of the school year, I always think I should try, but it's too hard for me to go into the classrooms to help out. And the other opportunities they have just are too much for me.

Squirt goes to the Special Ed preschool at the school and I finally got in touch with his new teacher and she only has him going 2 days a week even though the teacher last year told me he'd be going 4 days a week this year. And I'm not sure what to do about that! argh. I was really counting on him going 4 days a week. And I think he needs it. I don't know what recourse I have if she won't let him go that many days and it stresses me out.

I also made the mistake of reading reviews of the book Prozac Nation, which I have not read, but I was shocked by how many people said things like, "she has everything she could want, why on earth isn't she happy?" So many people just really don't understand. It's so frustrating. I think that's a key element in recognizing Depression when it is a disease (and not just the depressed, oh I'm having such a bad day-type) - when things really are going pretty well, and I still feel miserable about everything. I don't think it's just because I am a complainer. Or that I'm ungrateful. Or just don't want to "look on the bright side." It's because I have depression. And Depression doesn't care about my life. Or what I should or should not feel. It just is.

At least that's what I think today.

Medication Tally - a Summary

In answer to Aqua's comment to my most recent post, here are the SSRI's I have tried (in quick summary):

1. Paxil - took from May 2003 - Sept 2005 (?) something like that. It worked well for me, ecxept for side effects getting on and off (dizzy, sloshy brain, constipation), and sexual side effects the entire time.

2. Zoloft - started June 2006, I think. I broke out in a rash all over my face and spreading to my neck, torso and arms. So I stopped after about a week. And it took a couple weeks for the rash to go away. It was so terrible!!!! It felt like a rough sandpaper texture and it hurt to touch it. And my skin was blotchy and red and looked terrible, as well. The pharmacist said it probably was an allergic reaction, either to the med itself or to the dyes in the medication. Either way, I never want to risk that again.

3. Celexa - started June 2008 (was it June?, I'm not sure) I felt a little more numb and like I wasn't thinking straight and I had a headache every single day for the month I was taking it and it gave me hot flashes, so my Dr. suggested I try switching to . . .

4. Prozac - July 2008. The Prozac made me incredibly shaky, sometimes I would just try to shake my arms and legs to kind of shake off the shakiness, which doesn't seem to make sense, but somehow it felt like it might bring some relief. I couldn't stay still, because I felt like I was trembling and crumbling. And I felt worse physically than I had been feeling emotionally. And I couldn't take care of my kids very well because I just felt so miserable!! So I just stopped taking it after a couple weeks. I couldn't take it anymore.

So, in summary, each one I've tried affected me a little differently in terms of side effects. A couple different Dr.'s have wanted to give me Wellbutrin. One said it would conteract the side effects of the Paxil - but I really didn't want to add more to the mix at the time. And my sister took Wellbutrin and said that it made her more agitated and anxious - and I certainly don't need that!! My mom has taken Prozac and Zoloft and she says she never notices any side effects (really, never? nothing? I'm surprised). And my dad took Paxil.

So there's that. I know there are more SSRI's I could try (I think?) and then the SNRI's (is that what they're called?) and other anti-depressants, in other classifications, etc. But I haven't gotten up the courage to go back to my Dr. I never did go back and tell him I stopped the Prozac. Anyway - I am trying to organize my thoughts to write a post on my opinions on using medication for depression or anxiety. Hopefully that will be coming soon.

Thanks again, Aqua, for offering your thoughts. I appreciate it.

It's all in your Head

The other day I brought all 4 kids to a nearby children's outdoor garden/place. They have a water feature for the kdis to play in the water, and some hedge mazes, and a pretend Bear Cave to explore and rocks to climb, etc. The admission was over half off and I met some other local moms with their kids. I thought it might be fun. Fun for me to talk to other moms. Fun for the kids to play, get out in the sun, have something to do. You know, actually leave the house (because we usually don't).
And I think the kids had fun. But I did not. For some reason, the crowd of people and kids was overwhelming to me. It was stressing me out keeping track of them and making sure everyone was ok. They kept getting hurt. I had to change 2 diapers. I had accidentally rubbed sunscreen in my eye and it was itching from my allergies and that was miserable. And somehow we didn't even stay with the rest of the group and I felt left behind and irritated that I couldn't even talk to the other moms. And it was getting hot. And I had to keep chasing Squirt and dragging him back to the rest of us. And I thought I lost 2 of them for a minute, which panicked me. And by the time we drove home, I was just trying not to break down into tears. It felt like such a failure of an excursion.

But when I mentioned to one of the other moms that I really didn't have a good time, she replied with the typical response (that Zig gives me all the time): "Was it really that bad?"
And a different mom, on another occasion, said, "your kids seemed to be fine. was there a problem?"
And I could only think one thing. That it must not be the kids, or the circumstance, or the situation. It's just me. It's just me and what's going on somehow in my head. And I am the only one who can't seem to handle taking my kids anywhere, because I am the one with a Problem. No one seems to understand.
And that is frustrating.

My husband mentioned the other night that it seems like I have not been "doing well" for a pretty long time now. And that maybe it's time to get back on Paxil. I hated the side effects, but it really did work pretty well (aside from that). I didn't feel numb, or foggy. I didn't feel blah or too giddy. I just felt more level. I would have a bad day, feel sad, mad, or whatever and then I would go to bed and wake up feeling optimistic that I might have a better day. When I'm depressed, I wake up feeling a pit in my stomach and nothing ever feels like it will get better. I was much more level, more what I felt like other people must be feeling. Like I could handle my emotions and handle decisions and life.
I haven't felt that for awhile.
But sexual side effects were terrible. And getting on and off the meds was terrible (I would get "sloshy brain" dizziness, which was almost nauseating).
The thought of trying something besides the SSRI's scares me a little. As well as the thought of adding something that works on other neurotransmitters besides Serotonin.

I'm not sure what to do.
Somedays I am surprised to be feeling almost happy. And I think maybe I will be ok and not need to do anything. But I guess the fact that I am surprised by the good days is probably telling me I am having far too many bad days. More bad than good. And that's not good.