It's all in your Head

The other day I brought all 4 kids to a nearby children's outdoor garden/place. They have a water feature for the kdis to play in the water, and some hedge mazes, and a pretend Bear Cave to explore and rocks to climb, etc. The admission was over half off and I met some other local moms with their kids. I thought it might be fun. Fun for me to talk to other moms. Fun for the kids to play, get out in the sun, have something to do. You know, actually leave the house (because we usually don't).
And I think the kids had fun. But I did not. For some reason, the crowd of people and kids was overwhelming to me. It was stressing me out keeping track of them and making sure everyone was ok. They kept getting hurt. I had to change 2 diapers. I had accidentally rubbed sunscreen in my eye and it was itching from my allergies and that was miserable. And somehow we didn't even stay with the rest of the group and I felt left behind and irritated that I couldn't even talk to the other moms. And it was getting hot. And I had to keep chasing Squirt and dragging him back to the rest of us. And I thought I lost 2 of them for a minute, which panicked me. And by the time we drove home, I was just trying not to break down into tears. It felt like such a failure of an excursion.

But when I mentioned to one of the other moms that I really didn't have a good time, she replied with the typical response (that Zig gives me all the time): "Was it really that bad?"
And a different mom, on another occasion, said, "your kids seemed to be fine. was there a problem?"
And I could only think one thing. That it must not be the kids, or the circumstance, or the situation. It's just me. It's just me and what's going on somehow in my head. And I am the only one who can't seem to handle taking my kids anywhere, because I am the one with a Problem. No one seems to understand.
And that is frustrating.

My husband mentioned the other night that it seems like I have not been "doing well" for a pretty long time now. And that maybe it's time to get back on Paxil. I hated the side effects, but it really did work pretty well (aside from that). I didn't feel numb, or foggy. I didn't feel blah or too giddy. I just felt more level. I would have a bad day, feel sad, mad, or whatever and then I would go to bed and wake up feeling optimistic that I might have a better day. When I'm depressed, I wake up feeling a pit in my stomach and nothing ever feels like it will get better. I was much more level, more what I felt like other people must be feeling. Like I could handle my emotions and handle decisions and life.
I haven't felt that for awhile.
But sexual side effects were terrible. And getting on and off the meds was terrible (I would get "sloshy brain" dizziness, which was almost nauseating).
The thought of trying something besides the SSRI's scares me a little. As well as the thought of adding something that works on other neurotransmitters besides Serotonin.

I'm not sure what to do.
Somedays I am surprised to be feeling almost happy. And I think maybe I will be ok and not need to do anything. But I guess the fact that I am surprised by the good days is probably telling me I am having far too many bad days. More bad than good. And that's not good.