and wondering why in the world anyone would want to read this??
feeling worthless, frustrated, irritated, hating my life, incompetant, ugly, fat, grumpy, hopeless, overwhelmed
did I forget anything?
zig won't be home for another 3 days (business trip)
my mom called and said she had been wondering why I was having such a hard time with him gone when my dad would go on trips all the time and it didn't make much difference to her. she said it must be because zig does more to help me around the house and with the kids.
my interpretation: he does more than his share and does a better job than me
yeah, thanks mom.
even though I don't think she meant anything by it. It just feels like I am the only woman/wife in the world who can't manage her house/kids alone. seems like most wives feel like men just get in the way, or don't do a good enough job. I feel like I could disappear from my life and everyone would be better off for it. I am not really needed here. I make things worse. Miserable. And I am so dependent on him to get through the days. How pathetic is that.
I look around my house and hate it. Hate the mess. Hate the example it sets for my kids. Hate that I am not the kind of mom I want to be. I am not the kind of person I want to be. I am not the kind of person I would want to be around. And that stinks.
And part of me wants someone to know I AM NOT DOING WELL. I want someone to know how I feel. I want to feel like someone cares. I guess that's why I write this blog. Even though it would be better if I knew someone here, in person, who actually would understand what I am going through. I guess this is better than nothing.
I wish I could change it all and be someone other than who I am. Crumple up and throw away this miserable me. Would I even know who I was without it? who would I be?
A Beginning and an End
2 years ago
2 comments:
Hi Deepblue,
I care. I have the same feelings of inadequacy in terms of my household, and I don't even have kids. A household with kids must be an overwhelming amount of work. I feel like if I disapeared from my house my husband might not even notice for a couple days, because when depressed I am able to do so little.
You are doing as much as you can. This illness is very hard to understand and its symptoms hard to manage. You are working to become the person you want to be, and that is a very difficult task. Please be kind to yourself. You deserve compassion and understanding.
Hi Deepblue: Gee, I have been having the same feelings these past 2 days, But, we can get through it, and you are worth something to the people who love and care for you. right now it doesn't seem that way, but your kids love you and need you. Depression likes to stick its head in and screw us up, but it will get better, I'm counting on it, and I want you to know that we care also. this is my first time on your blog, and I like what i see..Please take care..Ill be back..mary
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