Sorry it's been awhile. The kids started school this week so we have been busy getting them ready and getting into a new routine. I am stressed and overwhelmed, as usual. And I feel like things are just kind of flying by, my brain's not really absorbing all the things it should be, or something. Summer never felt like summer, and I gave up. Now, I'm finding it hard to accept that school-time is back again. I'm just spinning and spinning and not really "getting it."
I'm getting tired of reading some of the "mom blogs" that I usually love, because their lives appear too perfect and I can't do half what they do. And I am feeling friendless, and jealous of people that appear to have good friends that actually care about them. I dislike my blogs and dislike myself. Hate how I am afraid to take on too much. Too many times I have failed. I don't even know what I am capable of. I don't trust my own judgment. And if I take on too much burden, then I will be crushed by it before I am even able to remove some of the load.
My husband is going out of town this Fri. for a week. And I am in complete dread. How will I make it with him gone?? He helps me so much. Some days I am just counting minutes until he comes home, so I can get a small break. How will I get through each of these days he is gone? It sounds so pathetic, I know. I feel pathetic.
I've taken on an on-going church responsibility that really shouldn't be that hard to do, but I don't know if I can do it. And I don't even know how I would explain why I can't do a task so simple. No one would understand. So many times I have heard judgments such as, "if I can do this, than anyone can" and "everyone is busy" and "stop making excuses" etc. Not in reference to me, but just in reference to others who were unable to fulfill a commitment. And I cringe to think about it. I am supposed to be working with some other people I consider somewhat "friends" but now I am feeling like they are only contacting me about this job I have to do, and not because they would actually want to talk to me. I am self-conscious and insecure. And I don't want to fail them. I don't want them to know how hard this is for me. And I hate that!! But I don't honestly know if I can do it.
Our school expects 40 hrs of volunteer work per family/per year (it's a charter school) and I can't ever fulfill it which makes me feel guilty and stressed. The beginning of the school year, I always think I should try, but it's too hard for me to go into the classrooms to help out. And the other opportunities they have just are too much for me.
Squirt goes to the Special Ed preschool at the school and I finally got in touch with his new teacher and she only has him going 2 days a week even though the teacher last year told me he'd be going 4 days a week this year. And I'm not sure what to do about that! argh. I was really counting on him going 4 days a week. And I think he needs it. I don't know what recourse I have if she won't let him go that many days and it stresses me out.
I also made the mistake of reading reviews of the book Prozac Nation, which I have not read, but I was shocked by how many people said things like, "she has everything she could want, why on earth isn't she happy?" So many people just really don't understand. It's so frustrating. I think that's a key element in recognizing Depression when it is a disease (and not just the depressed, oh I'm having such a bad day-type) - when things really are going pretty well, and I still feel miserable about everything. I don't think it's just because I am a complainer. Or that I'm ungrateful. Or just don't want to "look on the bright side." It's because I have depression. And Depression doesn't care about my life. Or what I should or should not feel. It just is.
At least that's what I think today.
A Beginning and an End
2 years ago
2 comments:
Hi Deepblue,
I don't see you as a "complainer". You have an illness, called depression. It is life altering and difficult to manage on so many levels. One of those levels is that some see it as a character flaw. It is not.
I am very much like you in that I find it difficult to do things (i.e. volunteer, clean the house keep up with the household duties...and I don't even have kida). I cannot imagine how difficult it is to manage a household with kids on your own when your hsband is away. It must be hard enough when he is there.
As for the school volunteering, is their anyone at the school (maybe the principal) that you could confide in and explain you have an illness that makes it impossible for you to do the 40/hrs volunteering. You don't have to say what that illness is. If they ask simply tell them that is a personal question.
It sounds to me like you do lots, and have a very full plate while trying to help yourself too. Please take care of you. You can't help anyone if you are not well...and you deserve to feel better.
...aqua
You are right, people don't understand depression or other mental illnesses. I too am insecure, and am afraid of what people will think of me. I work in a school as an Educational Assistant, and have been for 20 years now. I do my job as well as I can, but I find it really hard to except praise for what I do. You have a great blog, don't ever give it up, and you have a full time job being a s.a.h.m. It is a job some people can't do, but you do it. Take care, and remember we care..Mary
Post a Comment