Rehabilitation

I had high hopes for getting back on the meds. I had really hoped I would have more energy again. And get things done around my house. Be more patient with my kids. Happier in general. You know, I was just hoping it would help me get my life back on track. I was hoping for a miracle drug.
And it's not happening.
I have noticed a decrease in my physical anxiety symptoms. I don't have the nervousness or the pit in my stomach. I don't feel as depressed. But I still don't feel well. And that's disappointing. I noticed today that I was trying to force myself to smile at my kids. And it feels strained and unnatural. I just feel blah. My house is a wreck and it's discouraging. And I am still tired and getting headachy. And life is still stressful and hard. I still want to cry. But I feel the sort of worn-out numbness that comes after you've cried too hard for too long and there are no tears left. Just empty.

I know I've had to rearrange my life for awhile now. There were things that I couldn't do, and that we had to say "no" to as a family - commitments, obligations, stress - in efforts to manage my depression. I wasn't on meds at the time. And we didn't take care of a lot of things. We tried to let go of a lot of "to-do's" in efforts to just get by. And I'm realizing that it will take time, even with the med, to relearn how to live my life. It's kind of like rehabilitation for someone who has had a stroke or something. Relearning to walk or speak. I need to start over in some ways. Start from scratch. I guess that will take time. But it's discouraging. Hard to realize that I can't just stand up and start running. That I am not better yet. I have a long ways to go. It's hard to take a look back and take stock of all the damage that has taken place. To see how bad it's been. And even though things are getting better, it's going to be a slow recovery. It's hard to still have to move so slow.