Trichotillomania

So, one of the problems I've struggled with through my life is this lovely word: Trichotillomania. I hadn't heard of it until my younger sister's college roommate had it and told her about it and then she told me about it. And I looked it up online (this was about 6 years ago) and discovered I had it. It's a kind of anxiety-driven impulse to pull out or pluck hairs. I started pulling out my eyelashes in high school, sometimes to the point of having half my eyelid bald. It's been mostly when I've been under a lot of stress. It's not pretty. And it's awkward to explain to people why I'm missing eyelashes (can I just tell a little lie and say that I have a disease that makes them fall out?). Or I guess I could just tell a part-truth and say I have a disease. Because it is. I just happen to do the pulling out myself. I've sometimes also pulled out armhairs and other places. It actually feels good in a way. It feels like a relief. So it's hard to control. I've read that these antidepressants sometimes help with it - and sometimes don't.

It is also sometimes accompanied by other self-destructive behaviors such as skin picking and cutting. I struggle with those things from time to time as well. I've ripped and torn the skin completely off my heel, leaving it raw and pick at my cuticles, etc. And I had a couple cutting incidents when I was a teenager and into college. Although I've had the impulse to do it again in recent years in dark moments, I no longer have the resolve to actually carry it through (or can't find things to do it with, which is a good thing). Anyway - I used to be embarassed by the scars on my arm. Now they've faded to a point that no one would notice. But I look back and know I had a deeper problem than I probably realized at the time. And I wonder what my life would have been like back then had I actually gotten treatment. How would I have been different? Would I have made different choices? It's painful in a way to try to imagine. It's what makes me realize treatment will make a difference for my future.