25 Random Things About Me

Because today is the 25th and I have a ton to do and I'm way stressed out and can't figure out where to begin, so I am avoiding it all, I thought I'd offer a random list of 25 things about me (none having to do with depression issues). Enjoy

1. I am 33 yrs. old
2. I've been married 10 yrs.
3. I have 4 kids: girl age 9, boy age 7, boy age 4 and girl age 2
4. I'm trying to come up with some code names for them so I can talk about them on this blog, but everything sounds so cheesy. I'll keep thinking
5. I play the violin - sometimes in a local volunteer symphony
6. I've written in over 50 journals since middle school
7. obviously, I like to write
8. I graduated from college with a degree in Therapeutic Recreation, but have never worked in my field
9. reason being, I am a stay at home mom
10. my favorite season is autumn
11. I grew up in a place with lots of trees (east coast) and now live in the western desert, which is sometimes a hard adjustment for me
12. I love water - swam on a swim team when I was young, etc
13. I read a lot and go to a small bookclub group in my neighborhood to discuss books
14. I try to go on walks for exercise, but with 4 kids, it doesn't always work
15. I love lavender
16. I have 1 brother and 3 sisters
17. my parents divorced when I was 22
18. I like to save everything of sentimental value
19. I'd like to lose some weight (4 pregnancies did me in)
20. I hate being hot
21. I am left-handed
22. I never sneeze just once - (it's usually in groups of like 7)
23. I have a loud laugh
24. I love lemon-flavored things
25. I love lists

So, there's that.

In other news, I stopped taking the St. John's Wort after a very short ineffective 2 day trial. I know that's not enough to really know if it was working. But after a very very bad day (see previous posts) and a lot of thought, I just wanted to let all the meds out of my system and reevaluate how I feel "normally" and try to decide what to do next. Over the last couple months, I have tried both celexa and prozac (and st johns wort, but barely) and I had so many side effects, I just want to be side effect-free for just a little bit.
And, by the way, after my really bad Sat., I have been feeling a little better, surprisingly. I guess I hit bottom and bounced back to a better level (not great, but no where near as bad).
more later -

Being Anonymous

I've been thinking about how interesting it is to have an anonymous blog. I have another blog where I post about all the things my kids do and anything else I think about. This one was my husband's idea. He thought it might be nice for me to have an outlet for my thoughts about depression that maybe I wouldn't feel comfortable writing about to peoplet that actually know me. So, I decided to try it. I thought it might actually feel therapeutic. And my hope is that some other person might someday read it, as they go through their own struggles, and maybe gain something from my "real life" experience, whatever that might be.

But it is also strange. I consider myself to be a pretty open book. I can never tell someone I'm "fine" when I'm obviously not. I've been telling a lot more people in recent years about my struggles with depression and anxiety. But I have caught myself being more willing to tell them about my postpartum depression since I have tended to have that, as well. But I am less likely to tell them that I have the regular variety of depression that crops up at other times of my life, as well. As if to say that postpartum depression is more understandable, perhaps more accepted, and maybe more commonplace, than the other. As if they would judge me less harshly for "just" having that. But it's not true.

And by being anonymous, I realized there is still a part of me that really doesn't want other people to really know what goes on with me. Although I feel a need to reach out for support and I need to talk about it, I still hold back. And by doing so, I am probably feeding some others' misperceptions and stereotypes about mental illness - and depression and anxiety issues.

So, although I am all for reducing stigma, and I don't think there is anything "wrong" with having these diagnoses (it doesn't make me a bad person or weak or something like that), it still feels like an open wound. One that might be easily damaged if disturbed or poked or prodded too much. It still hurts a little to let someone see. So I do so cautiously. And I am quick to bandage it back up quickly and hide it again. I don't want too many people to know. And I am careful about who I might let in, as well.

But I will try to write a bit more about me, personally. If there is anyone else reading this, perhaps they would like to know more about me, so things make a little more sense. I will try to give a broader glimpse of my life and who I am.

But I still won't tell my neighbors I write this blog. I will keep myself anonymous, for now. And perhaps one day it won't be a big deal to tell everyone about it. Maybe one day, it really won't matter if you have depression, or diabetes, or dandruff. Because we all have struggles of one kind or another. We all go through this human experience the best we can.
And we should help each other.
That's what we're here for.

Bad Day

Well, it is apparent that if the St. John's works for me, it is definitely not working yet (day 2). Today has been one of my worst days yet (recently). I have been lying in bed crying - all day. No one particular reason. Just feeling bad. About everything.
My husband has just taken the 4 kids to the grocery store (brave man that he is) and left me for some peace and quiet. I am grateful. And feel guilty (of course). Because he can do what I cannot.
I could list all the things I am feeling bad about. But I'm not sure that would be a very enjoyable read. But, hey, this is my depression blog, so it's not exactly fun reading all around, now, is it? No, no, it isn't.
So it's probably more for me than for anyone reading it.
That's ok, I guess.

One positive thing: the shakiness I was getting from the Prozac has finally subsided (I think) and I am glad about that.
I just feel so hopeless about the meds. Because if there is no medication that can help me feel better and cope better and live better - without messing me up with side effects - then my depression will never get better. It may go away. But it will always come back (or so it seems). Which means the whole rest of my life will feel miserable. And my children will grow up miserably. And my husband will be miserable. And then, and then . . . what would the point be? But I couldn't leave my children or cause them more pain. I couldn't abandon them. Even though I sometimes think about the idea of suicide, I have never actually contemplated doing it. I couldn't. But sometimes I wish I could.
I just want there to be an end. A cure. A solution. Hope.
What can I do?

I did try counseling once. But finding babysitters for my kids so I could go, and paying the copays every week that I knew I couldn't really afford, were adding more and more stress to my life rather than alleviating it. And the Pyschologist wasn't a very good fit for me anyway - I would leave feeling worse than when I went. So that wasn't helpful. I think I went a for a couple of months. Then I just called and cancelled my next appointment and never went back. And I can't bring myself to try it again.

Today my husband was asking me if there are any other meds I can try. I am sure there are. But I am so tired. so tired. I just don't want to start it all over again.

I guess I will go lay back down again. Since I feel like I am about to fall over. Things just don't seem to get better. And I am alone.
And failing at my most important jobs (mom, wife).
And it is so unfair to them. I am so so sorry.

and I don't know why I even write this. I don't know

St. John's Wort?

Awhile ago I bought a bottle of St. Johns' Wort - but never opened it. I read somewhere online a list of side efffects from it that very closely mirrored the side effects of the SSRI's.

But, since I stopped the Prozac and haven't gone back to the Dr. yet, and the bottle is just sitting here (I never bothered to return it), I decided to try it. Couldn't hurt, right?
I just took 2 capsules (total 700 mg, I think). It says to take 2 twice a day. If I don't notice side effects, I might just keep taking it and hope for the best until I get back in to my Dr. And if it helps, well, then great.

Off Prozac

I couldn't take the shakiness anymore and decided to stop taking the prozac. Back to square one and feeling pretty discouraged about it.
I also don't know how to taper off of it, as I usually would, since these are capsules. So I just didn't take it this morning. Hopefully I can stop abrubtly and be ok with this med.

I still feel pretty shaky, trembly, or whatever. I don't know how to describe it exactly. It's almost like internal tremors.
But whatever it is, it's miserable. Feeling like I'm about to crumble and collapse. Can't keep my hands from shaking.

So - what do I do now?
I have company coming into town next week for my brother's wedding and it's always stressful getting my family together (my parents are divorced). So I'm a little nervous about not being on any meds during that time. But the Prozac wasn't helping much anyway - so maybe it will be better to be off of it and hopefully over these side effects by then. I really hope.

shaky

I hate feeling this shaky.
Inside I just feel like I'm trembling all over and about to crumble.
can't hold my hands still
feel like I should be able to shake it off
it's like when I haven't eaten for awhile
or when I'm extremely tired
and just starting to shake all over
low blood sugar
or exhaustion
but I think this is from the medication
and I don't like it
I feel irritable and unwell
it makes me feel just lousy
this feeling shaky

but if I stop the Prozac

then what do I do?

I've tried Paxil, Zoloft, Celexa and now Prozac.

And the side efffects always seem to get to me

hate it
hate it

is there any option that will work?
where I can feel better and not be continually cursing the side effects?

I don't know if I can continue with the Prozac if I keep feeling this wacky.
And I don't want to go back to the Dr. again. The options feel so limited.
ugh

Overwhelmed

The kids are all out for the summer and I am feeling overwhelmed. I'm frustrated by the meds. The Prozac seems to be making me feel shaky and my ears are constantly ringing. And I'm not even feeling as good as I'd like to. So, is the medication working? And if it's not working, then how do I know which symptoms are stemming from the depression and which are just me? The thoughts sneak in that perhaps if my problems aren't caused by the depression (and thus "cured" by the meds), then maybe it is just my failure to deal with my problems. And if I am just failing, then, of course, I feel worse. And so I spiral again.

My kids are driving me crazy. And my house is a mess and I can't seem to get control of it and keep it in control. It doesn't help that I have a 4 year old boy who has some behavior and sensory issues that make him especially difficult to deal with. During the school year, he would go to a Special Needs preschool. And I felt guilty for feeling sometimes relieved when he wasn't home. And of course guilt overcomes me with so many parenting things.

I love my kids. I am happy to be a mom. I feel blessed to be able to stay home with them. But it is so hard. So so hard.

Summertime brings pressure to do all the things we weren't able to do during the school year. Get the kids doing chores, and doing summer reading and math worksheets. And do fun things with them. All that kind of stuff.

And I just can't. I know I am probably too hard on myself. That's what I can hear other people saying. But I'm not sure what else to do.

Anyway - that is the state of things this morning. I hope to feel up to writing more about other things soon. My past experiences. etc.
It's been hard to think lately. My brain doesn't seem to be working.

The switch to Prozac

I decided to go ahead and make the switch to Prozac and I haven't noticed much difference from the Celexa. My husband's grandmother passed away last week and we made a short-notice whirlwind crazy road trip to Indiana for the funeral which entailed over 24 hrs. straight of driving there and back. We had other family with us to help with the driving, but we were crammed in a small vehicle and it wasn't very comfortable and we didn't get much sleep the entire 4-day trip.

So, my point is just that I'm not sure if my headache and ringing in my ears is in any way related to the medication or just some overexhaustion and sleep deprivation. Possibly both.

As I was freaking out about leaving my kids for 4 days and packing and driving on such short notice (I don't do well with spontaneous stressful events - which unfortunately is just how funerals happen), I did make a comment to my husband that were it not for the meds, I don't think I would have been able to handle the idea of making the trip AT ALL. So I think it was helping (although I was still a bit of a mess).

Luckily, everything worked out. All the kids - and the babysitters - survived. And, it is a rough transition to be home now. I always feel so out of it when I come home from being out-of-town. And the kids are out of school now and I haven't even had a chance to think about summer yet. So it's weird. I feel like I've been on another planet for much longer than a short trip like that might warrent. Oh well.
Anyway - now I'm on Prozac.
I'll keep you updated.