Overwhelmed

The kids are all out for the summer and I am feeling overwhelmed. I'm frustrated by the meds. The Prozac seems to be making me feel shaky and my ears are constantly ringing. And I'm not even feeling as good as I'd like to. So, is the medication working? And if it's not working, then how do I know which symptoms are stemming from the depression and which are just me? The thoughts sneak in that perhaps if my problems aren't caused by the depression (and thus "cured" by the meds), then maybe it is just my failure to deal with my problems. And if I am just failing, then, of course, I feel worse. And so I spiral again.

My kids are driving me crazy. And my house is a mess and I can't seem to get control of it and keep it in control. It doesn't help that I have a 4 year old boy who has some behavior and sensory issues that make him especially difficult to deal with. During the school year, he would go to a Special Needs preschool. And I felt guilty for feeling sometimes relieved when he wasn't home. And of course guilt overcomes me with so many parenting things.

I love my kids. I am happy to be a mom. I feel blessed to be able to stay home with them. But it is so hard. So so hard.

Summertime brings pressure to do all the things we weren't able to do during the school year. Get the kids doing chores, and doing summer reading and math worksheets. And do fun things with them. All that kind of stuff.

And I just can't. I know I am probably too hard on myself. That's what I can hear other people saying. But I'm not sure what else to do.

Anyway - that is the state of things this morning. I hope to feel up to writing more about other things soon. My past experiences. etc.
It's been hard to think lately. My brain doesn't seem to be working.