worry about me

At church this Sunday, a friend of mine said hi as we were walking our kids to their classes. And she casually remarked that everyone was "worried about me." She said she told them she has "seen me worse" and so she thinks I am "doing ok." And I replied something along the lines of "it's all relative, I guess."

So I was talking to my husband about it later, because first, I can't decide if people should be "worried about me" or not. And then, second, I was sort of bothered that she didn't seem worried because I'm not doing as bad as I have been in the past. And I wonder if anyone would really ever know how I'm really doing.

This isn't a friend I talk to very often. We keep in touch through our "family blogs", we go to church together and live in the same neighborhood, we go to a bookclub group together. But it's not like we chat on a regular basis. Really, there is no one who would ever know how I'm really doing. And it bothers me that no one would ever know.

But anyway, my husband didn't think there was any point to having anyone "worry about me" because it's just something I deal with ongoing and there is nothing anyone can do to help. It's not going to be fixed or cured. It's not going to go away. So what good would being worried be?

But somewhere in my mind, being worried is equated with caring. And I want to feel like someone cares. I would like someone to know how I am feeling so I am not so alone. True, there is nothing anyone can do. But sometimes, I just want someone to know. And sometimes I am worried about myself. Sometimes I think they should be worried! They should know that I can't handle more stress sometimes. That I have to resist urges to hurt myself sometimes. That sometimes all I can do is get through the day.

I don't really know why I want someone to know.
I just feel like no one really understands. And no one really wants to know. They wouldn't know what to do and they hate feeling powerless and useless. They want to "help." And there is nothing they can do.
But sometimes, just telling someone helps. Being heard helps. Being understood helps. And being cared about helps.
Sometimes that's all I need.