Well, it is apparent that if the St. John's works for me, it is definitely not working yet (day 2). Today has been one of my worst days yet (recently). I have been lying in bed crying - all day. No one particular reason. Just feeling bad. About everything.
My husband has just taken the 4 kids to the grocery store (brave man that he is) and left me for some peace and quiet. I am grateful. And feel guilty (of course). Because he can do what I cannot.
I could list all the things I am feeling bad about. But I'm not sure that would be a very enjoyable read. But, hey, this is my depression blog, so it's not exactly fun reading all around, now, is it? No, no, it isn't.
So it's probably more for me than for anyone reading it.
That's ok, I guess.
One positive thing: the shakiness I was getting from the Prozac has finally subsided (I think) and I am glad about that.
I just feel so hopeless about the meds. Because if there is no medication that can help me feel better and cope better and live better - without messing me up with side effects - then my depression will never get better. It may go away. But it will always come back (or so it seems). Which means the whole rest of my life will feel miserable. And my children will grow up miserably. And my husband will be miserable. And then, and then . . . what would the point be? But I couldn't leave my children or cause them more pain. I couldn't abandon them. Even though I sometimes think about the idea of suicide, I have never actually contemplated doing it. I couldn't. But sometimes I wish I could.
I just want there to be an end. A cure. A solution. Hope.
What can I do?
I did try counseling once. But finding babysitters for my kids so I could go, and paying the copays every week that I knew I couldn't really afford, were adding more and more stress to my life rather than alleviating it. And the Pyschologist wasn't a very good fit for me anyway - I would leave feeling worse than when I went. So that wasn't helpful. I think I went a for a couple of months. Then I just called and cancelled my next appointment and never went back. And I can't bring myself to try it again.
Today my husband was asking me if there are any other meds I can try. I am sure there are. But I am so tired. so tired. I just don't want to start it all over again.
I guess I will go lay back down again. Since I feel like I am about to fall over. Things just don't seem to get better. And I am alone.
And failing at my most important jobs (mom, wife).
And it is so unfair to them. I am so so sorry.
and I don't know why I even write this. I don't know
A Beginning and an End
2 years ago
3 comments:
Hi Deepblue,
I am sorry you are feeling so down. My pdoc told me that Prozac would take at least 4-5 weeks to build up in my system and give me any relief. Often the side effects go away after a few weeks, or sometimes even a few months . I had constant repetitive music in my head when I started Prozac. It has subsided thank god. I just worry that a longer trial of that med might help you.
About counselling...I know it is expensive, and it takes time to try out different therapists to find someone who fits you and your personality. It took me years and years to finally meet Dr. X. and we are a perfect fit. That therapeutic alliance has saved me more times than I can tell.
I hope you find what you need whether it be medication/s, therapy, or both.
Do they have a Mood Disorders program in any of the hospitals, or universities near you? Often when two or more antidepressants don't help it can be useful to consult with a psychiatrist who specializes in mood disorders.
Take care,
...aqua
thanks for your comment, aqua. It's true that I might have needed to stay on the Prozac longer to have the side effects calm down - but I felt so miserable physically I just needed it to stop! I am doing better today, by the way. At least, I am out of bed and functioning. :) So that's good.
I need to think more about what to do next. thinking, thinking . . .
I just wanted to say that when you find the "right" therapist and make a connection, wonderful things can happen. If you don't feel connected, then the relationship won't be helpful. Medications can be wonderful when you find the right one, but talk therapy is just as important. A good thing to do is get recommendations for a therapist from people you know and trust. Talk to them on the phone first and ask about what type of therapy they do, what some of their beliefs about therpay are, etc. You can usually get a feel through a good phone conversation if you might connect with the person. Good Luck to you.
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